Arguements and disagreements happen in life and one of the most constructive things that a parent can do is to let their children see the full path of a disagreement, right through from beginning to the end. Whatever the outcome, whether it be stalemate or full agreement, it is healthy for a child to see that their parents may not agree about something, but that they still love each other and respect each others’ point of view. They may agree to disagree but do so in a loving, caring way. On other occasions, parents may start out disagreeing with each other and then by a process of discussion and negoitation they learn to find a path of common ground and work their way through to full resolution. This is a valuable life skill for any child to witness and absorb and one that will form a cornerstone in their relationships with others.
Many adults find that as an arguement or disagreement starts they feel uncomfortable about continuing it in front of the children. They often feel that it is better to stifle it until the children are in bed. Sometimes the disagreements may become more muted and turn into sniping remarks and nasty digs. However, by deciding to continue to discuss difficult matters in front of the children, adults may well learn to argue and discuss matters in a more constructive, appropriate way. In truth, it is far healthier for children to learn that people do not always agree about things and then for them to learn the best way of handling that situation openly, until it is resolved.
Children need to learn to be able to say how they are feeling about a situation and to have their point of view respected and discussed as valid. They follow by example and if they see someone being ridiculed, bullied or brow beaten for their opinion, they may well feel that it is fine to react in that way too. Or they may learn to do the opposite, and retreat into silence or fear. Children learn quickly and by interacting with family members and then at school they start forming patterns of behaviour that may well stay with them their entire lives.
Learning to discuss and negoitate with respect teaches about empathy and understanding of others and their points of view. It is a powerful way of learning and extending knowledge and opinions and is an important lesson for later life. By learning to stay calm and discuss matters keeps stress levels and tempers in better check and enables matters to be dealt with effectively, in a calmer more healthy way.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net