With UK divorce applications at an all time high, it is clear that many people are struggling in their relationships. How did all the love go so wrong ? And new relationships, how can a couple learn to start again in the wake of so much disappointment from their pasts ?
In the beginning a couple appreciate that everything they are learning about each other is new. There is a strong attraction, so they proceed with care and caution, trying to understand each others ways and foibles. This effort often dwindles over time, as we become more familiar and accepted. Daily life starts to take over and a good relationship can be put on the back burner to take care of itself.
The truth is, there is always something to learn about our partner. Even with ourselves we may find that we experience unexpected reactions and responses as new situations and opportunities occur, so it is reasonable to assume our partner is going through similar processes when new pressures, worries, experiences occur for them.
Remembering to take time to communicate properly is a big part of success in a relationship. Family pressures, death, ill health, young children, financial worries, career and business pressures, unfulfilled dreams can all take their toll on that young couple who started out so full of excitement for the future. One person may take setbacks in their stride. The other may feel devastated or a failure at things not working out as planned. Appreciating that we all have different backgrounds, different coping strategies, and different ways of dealing with things is a big part of mutual respect and understanding.
Patience, tolerance, understanding and empathy all feature high on the list of important qualities that need to be invested and maintained in positive communications between two people. Listening and seeing things from each others’ point of view is crucial. It takes time to build that level of trust. We may well have to tread softly to attain that closeness, but it is more constructive than expecting our partner to be psychic and know instinctively how we feel, then being disappointed if they miss the mark.
It can be all too easy to assume that our partner feels the same way about things that we do, especially if we have been together for a while. Transferring our outlook onto someone else, our dreams, opinions, tastes is sometimes okay, but can lead to a person feeling invisible or unimportant over time.
This can lead to mis-communication. Decisions being taken, things happening that one person was unaware of and had no say in. As a relationship counsellor, I regularly find that one partner may be completely unaware of the other persons’ viewpoint , often on quite significant matters. They have gone along with things because it was easier, or for a quiet life. Living a ‘fantasy’ can be part of this picture. One person having a dream scenario of how things are, or how they expect them to be, whilst the other person has a completely different impression of their life. Over time resentments can build up and eventually explode.
So commit regular communication time to the relationship. Try to schedule a regular meal together, or have ‘us’ quiet time where you just sit and have a drink and a chat. Even if it means going out for an hour to a coffee bar it is worth it.Some people use relationship counselling, even when the relationship is doing okay, because it provides a neutral space, where both parties feel safe and respected, with the time allocated purely to building a better relationship. Often this provides an arena to find compromise and a way to work through difficulties. Does an issue matter equally to both parties or is one person simply being stubborn and refusing to give in ? What is the story behind that reaction ?
Discovering each others hopes and dreams can bring a fresh sparkle to a relationship. Trying something new and unexpected can bring new enthusiasm and energy into life. Be prepared to have a go. Respect the other persons interests even if they do not become as important to you. The value is in doing things together and learning about the things that matter to each other. Sharing.
If all else fails, give each other space. Space to miss each other, to clear ones head, to find out what each person really wants, to settle the hurt and confusion that is going on inside. Remember, whatever the outcome, you have shared something that was really special for a time.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net