The discovery of an affair often feels like the ultimate betrayal. The building blocks of the life that we have built together are suddenly rocked to the foundations. The realisation that this has been going on can make us doubt ourselves and our personal confidence levels. Many people start to question themselves, their attractiveness, were they to blame, were they interesting, supportive, adventurous enough ? Whilst there are many reasons why someone has an affair and, in truth, no one strays if they are really happy in a relationship, even so there are often other reasons for why it happens. Here are some explanations of why a person may have an affair.
- Sometimes a man looks at his life as he reaches middle age and feels that he has done his duty for long enough, earning money, being a supportive partner, father. He may start to question, is this it, is this the sum total of what my life has been about ? This is usually referred to as a mid-life crisis. Some men will go and buy a sports car or a motor bike. Some men will suddenly feel the need for an attractive younger girlfriend. In these situations it can be possible to stop, talk it through and discover ways to schedule exciting fun time together. Do you need to make more time for intimacy ? Would it be possible to plan some really interesting adventures together, plan trips to interesting locations or maybe start some venture together that requires energy and enthusiasm ?
- If a person is looking to end a relationship but does not like to be on their own, or is afraid that they may not find someone else, then they may well wait until they have a new relationship on the go before leaving their existing relationship. They may not stay long with the new partner, but feel the need to have someone in their life who will support them through the breakup and encourage them at this time.
- Sometimes a person will have an affair in the hope that their partner will find out. They use this means to highlight that all is not well in their life because they do not know how to deal with problems verbally and will avoid discussing issues until they are forced out into the open. This type of affair is not about the sex, as is often the case with affairs. The reasons are deeper than that. This type of affair is about forcing problem areas in the relationship out into the open in an extreme and distressing way.
- Much is made in the media of the sex addict, the person, usually male, who feels manly by bedding as many conquests as possible. They enjoy the thrill seeking and attention that they receive as they constantly go from one partner to another. These people are often charismatic, and often do not want to change their behaviour.
- Some people are scared of becoming vulnerable if they become seriously involved in one relationship, or if their partner starts discussing the next level of commitment to each other. This development can make them feel uneasy or in danger of losing their identity. They need to appreciate that a close relationship can bring them security and support rather than the superficial sex of an assortment of different partners.
Relationship Counselling can help in breaking through many of these attitudes and behaviour patterns. It can help people who are wanting to understand their behaviour and help them to repair the damage. It is important for both parties to talk things through and take it slowly. Both partners will have their own questions, hurts, issues and reasons that need to be discussed, explored and understood.
Sometimes having separate space is important, though I often advise my clients to try to continue living under the same roof, even if they sleep separately, as this minimises outside influences and allows each person to decide what is best for them in their own way. Often each person has to accept some responsibility for things going wrong. Maybe they were inattentive to each other, unavailable physically or emotionally, disinterested, wrapped up with other things. Couples Counselling can help each person to take responsibility, identify what went wrong, decide what they want and ultimately get on track with respect and regard, either with or without each other.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net