Modern life is very busy and it can be all too easy to focus on the things that are shouting out for our attention and ignore the parts of our life that seem to be taking care of themselves. Family life is often taken for granted because it runs to a routine. That routine is there to ensure that everything important gets done.
Children especially need routine. They often have a lot of after school activities and homework to do both in the week and at weekends. Managing these can take a lot of time and organisational skill. It is no wonder that parents get so wrapped up in supporting their childrens’ busy lives that by the evening they are too exhausted to have much energy left for their partner.
Homes without children are often very busy places too, with working couples often having very active lives and demanding careers. Many people work longer hours and cover many miles in the working week, as they justify their job and try to hit ever increasing targets. They can end up feeling too tired or jaded to invest much energy into building and nurturing their special relationship.
Stress can gradually build up and many of my clients have severe stress symptoms. There are over 360 symptoms of stress, anxiety and tension, and many of these affect peoples’ mood, libido, humour and tolerance levels. People can start to feel unwell, not sleep properly, become irritable, have poor concentration. All these symptoms can start to impact on a persons’ home life, especially if they are trying to appear professional and calm throughout their business life. Relationships can start to suffer. It can become appealing to think of walking away from the humdrum routine of day-to-day life and start a new life elsewhere.
Rather than treating home and family as an additional stressor, let us look at ways to value what we have in terms of a loving, caring relationship that can be appreciated as special and important. By investing time and attention into our family and relationship we build up a precious and supportive place to unwind and become calm again. It alleviates the pressure and allows us to de-stress. Let us look at things to consider and things that can help.
- Use the evening journey home as a way of switching off. Play a pleasant CD, or just switch the mobile phone to silent and enjoy the quiet. Even if the road is busy, use the time as an opportunity to draw a line between work and home. Look forward with affection to seeing the family again.
- If there are children arrange for them to sleepover at a friends house from time to time. Even if you use the time to stay in, enjoy just being together.
- Talk and listen to each other. Discuss non-family things like a film that you want to see or a programme you have watched.
- Exercise together. Go for a brisk country walk or have a game of tennis or badminton. Shared activity makes you both feel good.
- Commit to both reading the same book and then discuss your views.
- Consider, have you both got into a stubborn loop of behaviour ? A friend of mine knows how much her husband hates her smoking, and she could smoke all day long when he is out of the house at work. She recognises that she smokes more when he is there, going off to have a cigarette periodically throughout the evening. She knows that she could handle the situation more sensitively, but she digs her heels in and it causes huge tension at home.
- For some people, more unconventional options work well. Some people love each other but cannot live together for a variety of reasons. Maintaining separate homes, but continuing to see each other and share time together can be an ideal way to keep the relationship in their lives.
- Project forward five years. Imagine yourselves apart. How does that feel ? Are the things that seem so difficult today such a huge deal, or can they be negotiated around ?
- Relationship counselling can be a very positive step to take. It provides a neutral environment, time allocated for the specific purpose of addressing your relationship issues, with no interruptions. Many couples tell me that they really value the time and money invested in the sessions and find that it makes a major difference to their communications and understanding of each others point of view.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net