Once the wedding and honeymoon photographs are put into albums and onto a shelf then begins the true business of committing to life together. Even couples who have lived together before marriage discover that there are differences after getting married. There often seems to be a subtle shift in attitudes as the reality of their permanent commitment to each other becomes fully appreciated.
Many people experience quite a lull in activity after their wedding. Often there is nothing of especial significance to look forward to, which can be a relief at first after having had months of planning the wedding. But it can also feel a little strange. There are often lots of wedding and honeymoon bills to be paid and the routine of daily life starts to settle in. It can be important to appreciate that this is likely to happen and plan accordingly so that life does not become too much of an anti-climax.
Settling down to married life takes some adjustment, especially for people who have always lived at home or not cohabited with a partner before. Fully realising exactly how untidy your partner is, or how grumpy they are in the morning, or discovering other little irritating habits and foibles can be quite a shock at first.
- Communication is the important way to move the relationship forward positively. Some things may need to be discussed, other things may need to be tolerated and accepted as part of the give and take of an adult relationship. Learning to turn their mannerisms into an endearing part of your partners’ presence is a valuable skill in accommodating traits that could potentially become an irritant.
- Money is the cause of many arguements between couples. If one person earns substantially more than the other there may be ways to negotiate a compromise that both feel is fair. Perhaps having a joint account for regular household bills and deciding on a fair contribution from each person based on their income may be a viable option. But discussing this in an open and honest way can avoid resentments and inequalities becoming an issue.
- Household chores are often another area of dissent. One person may be more houseproud than the other, or have more available time for these jobs. Again discussing what is fair and not taking each other for granted is important. Starting as you mean to go on is a reasonable decision. One person may enjoying playing house at first but then over time feel annoyed at having set the precedent of doing so many chores. Review what is reasonable from time to time as work commitments or other responsibilities may change.
- Keep the fun in your relationship. Remember why you got together in the first place. Remember to send an affectionate lunchtime text or phone to arrange a date with each other. Plan a pleasant evening at home, set the table and have a special meal. Take a shower and dress up for each other.
- Cultivate shared interests. Many people work long hours and are tired in the week, so ensure that there are special activities that you can enjoy together when you are both feeling more alert. Choose to spend some quality time together. This is important in developing the relationship, the memories, the shared fun times.
- Enjoy having time apart where you maintain your other friends and interests too. It is important to continue being the person that you were before you got together. Some compromises may need to be made in terms of time spent with friends or money spent outside the home but keeping contact with friends and interests is important too.
- Family and friends can cause problems if they are seen as a bad influence, controlling or interfering. However they are part of the package of being together and there may be times when our partner keeps contact and we keep our comments to ourselves. Then there will on occasion be bigger, more formal events where we may well have to smile and attend out of respect for being with our partner. Give and take is part of being in an adult relationship and is an important lesson in compromise.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net