When a person asks the question, ‘am I bothered’ it is often clear that they are extremely bothered. People will behave in an excessively nonchalent way in an attempt to try to conceal their true feelings and reactions. When we encounter a situation and feel ill-prepared, or something unexpected happens, or we perhaps feel that we are not at our best, we may well become defensive in a vain attempt to appear in control and confident, unconcerned by any negative feedback that may come our way.
At these times adopting an offhand, even aggressive attitude may help us to feel that we are regaining some control over the situation. It can be an important defence mechanism for someone who is feeling out of their depth or without the necessary skills required to deal with the specific situation in a calmer, more appropriate and rational way.
Children and young people are often quite easy to read at these times. If they find themselves in a situation where they feel let down or disappointed they may well over- react in a bid to conceal their embarrassment and hurt. They will usually not want a person to see how affected they are at being let down and so simulate being unconcerned and blase.
Think of the child waiting excitedly by the window, looking out for their parent to come and collect them for a weekend access visit. If for some reason the parent does not arrive the child may be dreadfully upset, but protect itself by saying that it does not matter. It clearly does matter, but the child protects itself and perhaps other people nearby, from allowing the disappointment to become too apparent.
A good rule of thumb at these times is to encourage talking about how the person really feels about what has happened. A child or an adult may feel foolish at being so upset and affected at the experience, they may feel frustrated with themselves for being so vulnerable and allowing themselves to care so much. Allowing them the opportunity to talk about how they are feeling and giving reassurance that it is perfectly natural to feel that way can help them to recover their composure.
Talking about how they are feeling allows them to appreciate that it is natural to feel hurt when let down. It is important to understand and acknowledge those responses as normal, understandable and acceptable. If this does not happen, the danger can be that the child bottles up those feelings and protects themselves from further hurt in the future by shutting off their emotions. They learn not to risk hurt and rejection by protecting themselves from feeling vulnerable.
Trying to understand the person doing the letting down is sometimes a valuable second step. Often they are not a bad person, but are acting in a thoughtless or irresponsible way. Learning to not take the rejection personally may be a difficult step to take but it can help the understanding and recovery process.
Embarrassment is often an overwhelming emotion. We meet an ex-partner who is with someone new and we naturally want to appear vivacious and to be having a great time. The problem with over-compensating and maybe drinking too much, laughing loudly or flirting excessively is that it reveals precisely how bothered we really are.
In truth the best revenge is indifference. Being calm, friendly and at ease in these situations is far more effective than tough talk or witty, sarcastic comments. Then we can truly say ‘I am not bothered !’
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net