When a relationship ends, especially a long term relationship, it can be difficult to know when we are ready to start branching out again into a special friendship with someone new. If our previous relationship has ended unexpectedly or been quite acrimonious we may well need time to heal and recover before we feel ready to start dating again.
Many people suggest a period of healing and recovery after a breakup and then to start cultivating interests that appeal to us. Maybe starting things that we never got around to doing in our previous life. Meeting a special person in this way can be good because they are already interested in the same things that we are. Also we are meeting in a safe, neutral environment where things can move at a slow comfortable pace. Chatting, sharing conversations and coffee breaks can enable a friendship to develop gradually.
Often the times when we are not actively looking for a new partner are the times when we are at our most relaxed and comfortable. That calmness and inner contentment can be very attractive to others and can sometimes act like a magnet, drawing people to us.
Anxious friends and family may be wary about us getting involved in a new relationship too quickly. They may appreciate that after a long relationship with one person we may be vulnerable, inexperienced, unworldly, and there is some sense in being cautious. An interested new person being complimentary and attentive can be very appealing and flattering. It is important to protect ourselves from becoming too quickly enraptured by a new situation.
Starting as companions, sharing the same interests can be a good way of beginning a new friendship. Going for walks, enjoying discussions about different topics, learning a new skill together can all provide a useful backdrop from which to learn about each other and discover how you feel about the relationship and its potential. These times are often shared as part of a group and as such can be quite relaxed and easy.
When one person starts to ask for more, maybe to go on a date as a couple, or to go somewhere new and different it can be a stressful time. By now you have probably got to know each other well enough to appreciate how you instinctively feel about agreeing to go. It does not have to be a big deal. Look on it as an opportunity to get dressed up and have a new and fun time out with someone you already know quite well.
Any nervousness may well be to do with the excitement of a first date and all that it encompasses. Some people feel that they are being disloyal to their previous partner, but moving on is an important part of making the most of life and the opportunities that come along.
Certainly if you are unsure, then it is okay to agree to meet the person at the venue so that you can go in your own car and feel independent. Tell your friends where you are going, have your mobile phone with you and maybe arrange for a friend to call you after an hour so that you can, if necessary, simulate an emergency that requires you to leave.
Take it steady, move at your own pace and enjoy the opportunity to pick up the pieces of your life and start anew. One date with someone new may well be just the first step along that new road for you.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net