When we have done something wrong we may well at first go into guilt or shame mode. A feeling of letting ourselves and others down can be very destructive. We want to conceal what we have done, not reveal our weakness, failure or mistake. Often the reasons are understandable, maybe we do not want to hurt others by what we have done, or we feel ashamed or embarrassed and do not want others to see us in that light or think badly of us. These can be a significant factor. But at some point we have to address what has happened and decide how to move forward and get past the situation.
- Take some time to decide how valid it is to feel so badly about your behaviour. Is it really such a serious matter or are you living through other peoples rules and regulations. Sometimes we need to stop ourselves from beating ourselves up and decide that what we have done is a minor matter that we can live with or put down to experience.
- Sometimes we may well have to keep quiet and live with how we feel. It may be that the implications of everything being revealed would cause too much hurt and damage and it is important that we continue as before and keep our feelings in check. This can be very destructive if we want to be open and honest and start again with a clean slate. Sometimes realising that the only option open to us is in keeping quiet has to be accommodated.
- Adapt our behaviour. Keep quiet but know that we are changed because of our experience. Our partner may well suspect that something is different because much of our communications are done through body language. But if this is what needs to happen try to turn it into a positive outcome.
- Laugh it off and put it down to experience. Some people are able to wear an air of bravado and brazen the most extreme behaviour with a cheeky grin. At least this way everything is out in the open and the guilty party is able to appear unconcerned and confident. Often this behaviour means that the whole experience is finished with quite quickly because if no one appears guilty then it is impossible for them to be ashamed. There are no red faces or acts of contrition to be endured.
- Confess. Sometimes we just have to come out and say what we have done. And in a lot of cases our partner may well have guessed that all is not well. The stress of concealment causes our body language to change. A large proportion of communication is non-verbal, body cues, breathing, micro movements of our face, and people pick up on that information without realising it, especially people who know us well. They just ‘sense’ that something is different. By confessing we have to discuss the whole situation, address any problems in our relationship and learn to communicate more openly and honestly in the future. Sometimes confessing can improve the depth of our personal relationships.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net