Some people may feel that there is no harm in starting a new friendship or relationship and lying about their age, job or financial status. Some people may lie on a job application about their academic qualifications or experience. The problem can become serious as time elapses and the whole basis of the experience has been a lie. How does a person go about remedying the situation and bringing it into an honest place ?
There are people who feel that telling the truth is unimportant. At times they may even seem to be incapable of telling the truth. They live in a fantasy world where they say whatever comes into their heads and feel that it is fine to behave that way. They see nothing wrong with it. These people can be fun, charismatic, exciting, but a person in any kind of relationship with them needs to be sure to take care to protect themselves. They need to be careful about what they invest emotionally in the relationship. They may never be able to trust what is true and what is fantasy or fiction.
The fact is, dishonesty and deceit undermine a relationship both with ourselves and with others. When a person lies to themselves they tend to lose sight of what is real. They blur the lines between fantasy and reality. It is a dangerous game to play because deluding ourselves can take us away from self awareness and insight.
If you ask around, most people say that they would rather be told the truth, even if it hurts or is tough to hear, rather than be lied to. And when lies is found to have been a major factor in a relationship it can be difficult to learn to trust that person again. Even before any dishonesty is exposed the stress of living with lies and deceit, the suspicion that something is wrong, things in some way are not quite right, is all very wearing.
Some people feel that they have to live a lie because they fear that there are parts of their personality or behaviour that is unacceptable within the framework of the life that they have chosen to live. Some aspects of sexuality can cause distress in certain sectors of society and may be felt important to conceal. I have seen gay clients who have struggled so badly with the dread of revealing their true sexual orientation that they married and had children, hoping that by living in that way it would make things ‘right’. Trans-gender and cross-dressing clients sometimes have the same dilemma.
Infidelity can come under this heading, because it is one of the main dishonest behaviours. And often lying is a major component of covering up an affair. This situation can be especially hard to tolerate because so much of communication is non-verbal. Well over 60 % of communication is done through body language and non-verbal cues. Often a person feels especially betrayed when they discover that they did not know that their partner had been having an affair. They wonder if they ever really knew the other person. How could we have lived together and they be able to conceal something so serious.
Over spending can also involve lies as a means of trying to hide the extent of the problem. Many people conceal the occasional pair of shoes or new outfit and pretend that they have had it for ages. But for some people it is way more serious than that. If someone has lost their job or business, or has got into serious financial difficulties they may well feel ashamed, a failure. There are stories of people getting up at the same time, dressing and appearing to go to work, keeping up the pretence for months, too ashamed to reveal to their families that they are out of work.
When lies has been discovered to be a factor in a relationship, building up trust again can take some time. Sometimes relationship counselling can help in building bridges and opening up channels of communication in a neutral environment. It is often an important first step in having the courage to start being open as to the reasons behind the lies. The confidence issues and patterns that contributed to this situation being felt to be necessary in the first place.
When both parties agree to go to relationship counselling it can an optimistic sign that they both want to work at the relationship and try to retrieve it. There are some ground rules to this process. Honesty is an important factor. There has to be confidence that the truth will be told, whatever it entails. And each person speaking has to be confident that what they say will be listened to and respected for their opinion, point of view or rationale. Both parties need to start feeling confident again in themselves and in the other person. It is an important part of building an honest relationship together.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net