Throughout life many people learn to say ‘yes’ to everything, all of the time. Many of us feel guilty at even the thought of saying ‘no’. Mothers to their children, staff to their superiors at work, many of us are conditioned to never refuse or decline to do anything that is asked of us. We may feel that it is a sign of bad manners, weakness, failure, incompetence if we are unable to fulfill every demand made of us.
And yet ‘yes’ can end up being the most negative word in our vocabulary. We can become overloaded, spread ourselves too thinly, struggle to get everything done properly, correctly or on time. We may become irritable, resentful, stressed, humourless. That ‘yes’ is not a very positive decision to have made, is it ?
Saying ‘yes’ to something when we really want to say ‘no’ is unfair on everyone involved in that situation. Everyone involved can end up feeling unsure, confused and not knowing what to do next. These situations can result in mixed messages being sent, one thing being said but the body language or actions conveying a rather different message. It is far better to have the courage to say what is felt to be the right course of action for you rather than do something reluctantly or out of guilt or obligation, but in a resentful or unenthusiastic way. By saying ‘no’ the other person can decide how next to proceed, based on an accurate view of the situation.
Similarly, saying ‘no’ when we would love to say ‘yes’ can be done out of anger, jealousy, hurt. We may feel insecure and want the other person to persuade us to change our mind, we may want to appear that we do not care. Either way, whatever the reasons, this reaction can be more hurtful to ourselves than to others, especially in the long term as we become perceived by others in a certain way.
When a person does decide to take control of their lives and make appropriate choices for themselves, the fact that they choose to say ‘no’ to something or someone is often a very positive step. It can make the other person suddenly stop and take stock of the situation and as such can be a very powerful way for us to reclaim control of our life and of our choices.
Saying ‘no’ can force the dynamics of a situation to change. It may be important for the other person to start to share some of the responsibility for a situation or a project, or that some things become delegated to others. At home it is reasonable for people to share the jobs and chores. Even young children can learn to set a table or fetch and carry things.
In a work environment, delegation can form part of training staff in different aspects of the business and can be an important part of career progression. Sometimes managers struggle to delegate out of fear of losing control over certain aspects of the business. Learning to train staff well and then trust them to do the job can be quite tough for some managers to accept, but can bring many beneficial rewards in the long term.
Often in charitable societies one or two people end up doing everything and then after awhile decide that they have had enough, are worn out and are not enjoying it anymore. By saying ‘no’ and staying with their original remit they may force others to share the workload more fairly. Then they may well find that it becomes a more pleasurable and fulfilling part of their lives.
Saying ‘yes’ all the time can lead to us working constantly, giving the impression that we are prepared to do anything asked of us, happy to oblige. The people doing the asking may not be at fault. They may not appreciate what other obligations we have or the other arrangements we have committed ourselves to. They cannot be expected to know. Our responsibility has to be to ourself and that means outlining firmly and politely what we have already in our schedule. Making the other person aware of our situation is about allowing everyone to fully appreciate what is involved. It is about taking responsibility.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net