Some people find that they always say ‘yes’ whenever they are asked to do things or go places. It is as if they feel that by declining they would somehow give offence or be perceived as difficult or unfriendly. But a happy and fulfilled life involves taking responsibility for your own choices and finding better ways to solve problems and make decisions.
There are several outcomes with always agreeing to everything.
- You take on too much. By agreeing to everything you convey the impression that you are happy to do these things. Other people are not psychic. They may not appreciate what other obligations you already have or how long they will take to complete. They are entitled to believe that by saying ‘yes’ you are happy and able to do what is being asked of you. You, on the other hand, may end up working longer and longer hours under the impression that this effort is being perceived as diligent and committed. Or you may end up in the impossible situation of having agreed to attend several functions or social events because of not wanting to hurt other peoples feelings.
- Your health suffers. People who are overloaded end up stressed and resentful. This situation can only be remedied by you taking responsibility for your own time management and planning. Refusing to do things does not have to be done in an aggressive way. By simply explaining what else you have in your diary, what else you have committed to allows the other person to understand your situation. Then it can be discussed and a compromise or a balance can be found together. By sharing the problem you are already reducing the stress involved and are including the other person in finding a solution.
- You do things that you do not want to do. People-pleasers do not want to let anyone down, but as an adult that is going to happen sometimes. Going along to something that you do not especially want to attend is good manners on occasion. It is part of compromising. But never having an opinion or suggesting things for others to share can be tiring if others always have to think of things to do. And you may well feel resentful or unhappy if you are regularly doing things that you do not enjoy. Suggesting ideas for others to share makes for more balanced relationships and friendships. And you learn to grow in confidence as you start to discover your own opinions and tastes.
- You become indecisive. A procrastinator ends up with everyone unhappy, including themselves. Waiting before you make a decision can become a way of life. And it can appear rude and insulting, almost as if you are waiting for a better offer or more information to come along before you commit to a decision. Or, by saying ‘yes’ and then later on trying to get out of the arrangement can be far worse than politely declining when first asked. By saying what you intend to do people know where they stand and can decide what to do next, based on your honest answer.
Having the confidence to choose what is best for you can take a little practice. Some people are afraid of conflict and have learned to say ‘yes’ because they feel that it is the easiest option. In the short term it may appear to be the easiest choice, but in the long term deciding what is right for you and acting on that information gives you a better quality of life, less stress and more honest relationships with others.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net