Yes, some people have especially bad habits, and as a Relationship Counsellor I hear more than my fair share of horror stories, but others’ bad habits can sometimes bring a lot of good into a relationship.
I remember hearing a story about a woman who had a beautiful lounge with a luxurious white carpet throughout. She kept this room pristine, it was her pride and joy. Unfortunately every so often her young children had the habit of running through the room to take a short cut through the house. Their muddy feet would leave a dirty trail across the room. She would be distressed, shouting and upset at their behaviour and their thoughtlessness. I suggested that she should go forward in her mind to a time when her room was beautiful, the carpet perfect, the house tidy. What could she hear ? Nothing. Silence. Who was there in the house with her ? No one. They had left and gone away to college or set up their own homes elsewhere. From then on she started to appreciate that her children’s bad habits were worth it. They were endearing, comforting and tolerable and the occasional messy carpet meant that the house was full of laughter, children and life.
So what do bad habits give us ?
- Humanise. When we are first with someone they may appear to be perfect. We may feel fortunate or privileged to be with someone so special. Indeed, some people can remain in awe of their partner for a long time, but then as they gradually start to notice some imperfections and bad habits they start to realise that their partner is a little flawed. This awareness can allow a person to feel relief as it humanises their relationship. Seeing someone else as a little imperfect and human can allow us to relax and not feel the need to be on our guard, stressed and trying to be perfect all the time. It can allow us to be ourselves.
- Tolerance. Accommodating others habits, idiosyncrasies and behaviours is an important part of co-existence. It is necessary to be tolerant. After all, we expect others to put up with our little ways. We may not think that our habits are so bad, we may not even appreciate that we have any, but they may well drive someone else crazy.And if one person discovers that they do have irritating mannerisms and ways that they expect others to tolerate then they realise that they have to be a little more restrained in picking on others and their bad habits. It makes for a more patient and accepting way of living.
- Reassurance. Snoring especially can cause a lot of tension in a relationship. Sometimes people can improve their snoring, by losing a little weight, drinking less alcohol, but for some people it is a fact of life. When this problem is alluded to in a Counselling session I suggest that they do a ‘reframe’ on it. This means, try to think of the snoring in a more positive way. Consider a time when your snoring partner is not in your life due to some unfortunate circumstances. How much would you give to have that reassuring noise and disturbance back in your life. This exercise can turn an annoying habit into a source of reassurance, comfort and security.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net