Facing an angry person can be both a scary and intimidating prospect. You may feel angry at their anger, or bemused by their reaction. How to deal with this kind of situation can be a dilemma. You may well feel that you want to have your say and respond to them but inflaming the situation and making matters worse is an important consideration.
Let’s look at ways of dealing with someone who is angry with you:
- Be firm. Say that you want to sort out the situation but need for them to calm down first. Refuse to continue the discussion and insist on your right to be treated with respect. Explain that nothing is going to be resolved whilst they are reacting so aggressively.
- Ask them to itemize their individual issues. Someone I knew had to deal with face to face customers complaints. He used to let them rant angrily for a while and then he’d get out a notepad and ask them to list their individual grievances. He often found that as they calmed down many of their original complaints virtually disappeared. They just needed someone to listen to them, after which they relaxed their anger and indignation.
- Consider involving a mediator. Sometimes a respected third-party can bring a calming influence into an angry situation. They can assess the facts, discover which are negotiable, which are sticking points, what each person will settle for as an outcome. Then they can help find ways to compromise and work towards that goal.
- Avoid insults or aggressive behaviour in response. It often exacerbates the situation and can cause matters to get out of hand, even violent. Responding angrily to an angry person gives them little choice but to retaliate. They are already out of control and your anger will merely inflame the situation.
- Decide what you want as an outcome from the situation. Will you ever need to see this person again, is this a one-off situation or something that happens fairly often. How you want to be perceived afterwards. All these are important considerations when you are dealing with someone who is angry with you. Can you simply walk away or does it need to be dealt with?
- Keep the dispute on point. It can inflame an already angry situation if you try to justify yourself by using examples, explanations and excuses. This can result in other occasions and situations being added into the mix. Keep on track and aim to contain and resolve the present situation.
- Apologize. Sometimes it is important to apologize in order to introduce some calm into an angry situation. You can limit your apology and say that you’re sorry at their reaction or for causing upset. When they are calmer you can then say firmly that you feel it is important to discuss what happened.
- Try to stay in a public place. It provides a safer environment as people usually restrain themselves when other people are around. Sometimes couples choose to discuss difficult issues away from home as it keeps the conversation civil and more focussed. If you do this it is important to limit alcohol consumption as drinking can heighten emotions and make matters worse.
Anger is often a way of communicating hurt, distress, feeling badly treated. Finding constructive ways to deal with negative reactions from others is important. Learning the relevant skills can lead to more positive ways of communicating and managing the times when you’re faced with someone who is angry with you.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.
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