Whilst divorce may be seen as the best way to resolve one set of problems in a marriage it frequently brings with it another set, especially when children are involved. Each person continues to be a parent and usually want to maintain an active presence in their children’s lives.

Even without children to consider divorce brings many distressing emotions that have to be worked through; one person may not have wanted the divorce, they perhaps feel, angry, bitter, betrayed. Then there are the financial implications to address; these may require the family to leave their home and relocate, children to leave their school and friends, feel embarrassed at having to explain their situation. Children may have witnessed the breakdown of their parent’s marriage, seen and heard awful things that were said and done. As a consequence, recovery for all can take some time.

Let’s look at ways for parents to rebuild a relationship with their children after divorce:

- In an ideal world both parents would sit and explain what is happening and why to the children together. Children do not need to know too much detail, especially if they are young. But answering questions, avoiding apportioning blame and explaining how the divorce will affect them is important.

- They need reassurance that they are not to blame in any way for the breakdown of the marriage. Young children especially can sometimes wonder if their behaviour caused conflict and arguments, tension and unhappiness in their parent’s relationship. They need reassurance that this is not the case and that, whilst their parents have decided to not continue living together, they still love their children and are not leaving them.

- If the children have witnessed unpleasant rows and fighting between their parents they may need time to recover from the experience. The custodial parent needs to reinforce the message that both parents love their children, if not each other. It can take time for children to heal the memory of the dreadful things they have seen, heard and lived through.

- Listening to what the children want is important. They may be prepared to see the non-custodial parent for specific activities, allow them to drive them somewhere, help with their homework, have a particular activity in mind that they are prepared to share. Ignoring what they say, insisting on an alternative arrangement or trying to override their request, refusing to listen to them, trying to force or cajole them into doing something different will only reinforce the barrier and hostility. Tolerance, flexibility and patience is often required at the beginning.

- Children need to know that the non-custodial parent is determined to keep in contact, wants to see them, speak to them, continues to send cards, messages, gifts and support them even if they refuse to acknowledge the gestures. They see it as demonstrating that their parent continues to care about them even though they may feel unable to reciprocate through anger, bitterness or a sense of loyalty to their custodial parent. Perseverance is important in continuing to prove that they are thought about, important and loved.

- Sometimes grandparents or trusted family members and friends can provide support in rebuilding a better relationship with the children. They can provide the voice of reason, a calming influence and continuity where children feel safe. Using that familiar environment for meeting can provide a positive place where children can start to rebuild trust again, a step at a time. Sometimes simply knowing that their parent has called may be enough at first, even if they refuse to see them.

- Mediation and family therapy can help by providing a safe, neutral environment where children feel listened to, respected, have their wishes and opinions valued. It can help provide an arena for children to say how they feel, what they want and need for the time being, what their understanding of the situation is, what their fears are. Then it can be possible for parents and children to navigate a staged improvement in the relationship. This helps children to understand what they are agreeing to, what they can expect to happen, change arrangements that aren’t working for them. By having this discussed professionally, with a counsellor present, they feel included in the process, less pressurised and that their wishes are being listened to and taken on board.

Divorce is often a traumatic process for everyone. Children especially can feel that their world has been torn apart. Everything they knew as normal and familiar has gone and been replaced with hurt and uncertainty. Allowing enough time is an important part of recovery. Then as they feel supported and respected they can start to address their family relationships again.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available on this and other related subjects.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Many of us have times when we look at our lives and acknowledge that we are in a rut. We recognise that we need to make some changes, but are unclear as to where to start. Sometimes the implications of making changes can appear so daunting that we decide to stay with what we’re familiar with. We may not know where to begin or we may be concerned at the potential fallout from our actions.

Let’s look at the areas of work and social life, two areas where we may feel improvements are needed:

Work can be sensitive area. Many people appreciate the necessity of being protective of their work-generated income. For many people it supports their lifestyle and responsibilities. Consequently, either as an employee or a self-employed person there is a requirement to keep ones customers and management happy. But a happy worker is one who is motivated, enthusiastic and dynamic. New ideas and initiatives are rarely born in a stale, dull or suppressive environment.

If you feel the need to be more inspired in your work environment first look at the areas that are holding you back. Some routine is a factor of every job but keeping on top of administration and paperwork is often a matter of better organisation and time management. If you’re starting to lose sight of what your role should be, first start to look at where and when things began to go wrong. What changed for this unhappy situation to occur. How can you negotiate in order for things to improve?

- Have a meeting with your manager and suggest what you consider to be positive changes.
- Design an action plan of each stage of your suggested improvements and the resulting benefits.
- Explain the implications of your being challenged more; what your interim and bigger goals are.
- Offer solutions to existing problems, identify how you see them working.
- Would a training course be available that would improve your skills?
- Is there potential to exchange your role with another staff member, thereby enhancing both your skill sets?
- Outside your work situation volunteer and make your personal life more fulfilling. This may entail learning new skills, meeting interesting people, finding satisfying pursuits that sustain the other areas of your life.
- Identify recreational pursuits that will provide interest, fun and challenge.

By being proactive you reinvigorate yourself, take more control over your life choices and consequently become more solution focussed. Initiating quality activity improves your energy levels and brings a better sense of purpose into your life.

Social life can be an area that we all take for granted. We may drift along with our regular friends and routines, increasingly aware that we are bored or in a rut. Here are some ways to improve your social life.

- Take the initiative and suggest activities that are of interest to you. Investigate dates, times, prices and then present your suggestions to your group.
- Be receptive to the potential for new people to join your set of friends. You may meet pleasant and interesting people in different areas of your life who would be happy to join your group.
- Accept invitations to attend events, even things that you may not normally consider. You may be surprised at the fun you have or the interesting new people you meet.
- Don’t limit yourself to one group for all your social activity. Many people mix and spend time with people from the different areas of their lives. It makes for a wider range of interests and activities.
- Be friendly with the people with whom you come into contact in your everyday life. Saying hello is the first step to breaking the ice and meeting new people. That first step may lead to having coffee or even invitations to unexpected social events. Most people are friendly if given half a chance. Start the ball rolling by smiling and saying hello.

Every change can be broken down into a series of steps. Some steps may be taken one at a time, others progress into a gentle jog, some may even slip back a little on occasion. But being receptive is the key to positive change; that and being aware of the potential for improvement.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Anger is a very powerful emotion. We only have to witness someone hitting a punch bag or a wall to see how physically strong an angry person is capable of becoming. When emotions run high a person can become overwhelmed and out of control. So, it’s understandable that when a marriage comes to an end there are often many powerful and distressing emotions to deal with; anger, hurt, shame, loss, disappointment to name just a few.

Often divorce follows and the ability to recover from the breakup may well be impeded by the enforced changes that occur. Moving home, losing friends, uprooting children, reduced quality of life may all have to be accommodated. Bitterness, resentment and frustration can increase the feelings of anger. Whilst those emotions are understandable at first it is important to gradually find ways to channel those feelings in more constructive ways.

Let’s look at some healthy ways to release the anger you have toward your divorce:

- Frustration can exacerbate anger. If you don’t want the divorce but are unable to change your partner’s mind, frustration and anger can be a significant factor in how you feel. The realisation that nothing you promise, threaten or do will change their mind can cause a myriad of emotions. Anger, despair, frustration can be overwhelming for a time. In order to move on you have to learn to come to terms with your partner’s decision and accept it.

- Counselling and hypnotherapy are valuable ways of recovering from your divorce. Understanding that anger, regret, disappointment often feature after a breakup is important. That realisation can take the pressure off you and allow some time to vent and grieve. Using therapy to help you heal the angry, damaged parts of you is an important part of the recovery process. With recovery comes time to re-focus your energy and move on. Counselling and hypnotherapy can help with reconciling what has happened and allow any negative, destructive emotions to be released.

- Appreciate that you have played a part in the failure of your marriage, maybe through unattractive patterns of behaviour, changed goals and dreams, not being assertive enough, perhaps not communicating well. Taking responsibility can help you understand your anger and learn to release it. Negative experience can teach you a lot; about yourself, about relationships and about what you don’t want in the future. That realisation provides valuable insights.

- I’ll show them. One healthy way to utilise anger is to become focussed on turning your life around. No doubt things were said or done before or during the divorce that affected your confidence. Directing your energy away from anger can make it a powerful force for change. Deciding to do something positive with the next stage of your life can turn possible options into viable and appealing goals. Energy and enthusiasm help to mobilise change. Good ideas for the future then start to take definite shape.

- One step at a time. Moving on can be tough after a divorce. Taking time to heal and consider the next big step is important. Many people advise against making hasty decisions after a divorce. If you’re not sure what feels right for you wait until you feel clearer. But life does move on and anger can be a positive force to promote movement. Use it to introduce a change of style and image, revitalise the decision to take steps, accept invitations and start to socialize again.

- Self improvement requires effort and divorce can be an exhausting time. Pace yourself and avoid putting undue pressure on yourself. It leads to feeling stressed and distressed. Enjoy the opportunity to turn your life around in a positive way. When you introduce positive, fulfilling changes you release anger and consequently look and feel better than you have in a long time.

- Acceptance is a major way to release anger. It can take a while to reach this stage, but accepting that disappointment and hurt are often a fact of marriage breakdown can help you to move on, start to recover and accept your divorce. Appreciating that your ex said, did and behaved in unfortunate ways is part of the process of letting go of the relationship. It need no longer impact on your daily emotional life.

Unfortunately life doesn’t always work out as we intended and we have to reconcile ourselves to that fact. We can learn from setbacks and disappointments, move on and start again. It is natural and healthy to regret your divorce; after all you married for life. But releasing anger allows the hurt to subside, you to heal and the recovery to begin.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles on this and other related subjects are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Older people are now fitter and more aware of their potential for a good quality of life than ever before. Tolerating a lifelong, unhappy marriage is not the automatic prospect that it once was. Let’s have a look at some of the reasons why divorce rates are increasing among older couples:

- The stigma of divorce has abated to a large extent. Yes the couple’s children, family and friends may be upset, distressed and sad to see the end of a long marriage but divorce is far more accepted and acceptable these days. And people in the main appreciate that it is better to get divorced than to continue in an unhappy marriage. Society and many religions are more lenient about divorce and appreciate that ending an unhappy marriage is often the best decision for all concerned.

- People live longer and have far more potential to start again. The expectation of a quality of life for older people is good. They are more informed about looking after their diet, their exercise regime and the importance of keeping themselves mentally and physically active. This in turn leads to better health and a longer life expectancy. Many facilities are available for older people, often at a subsidised cost. Ready access to these facilities provide the opportunity to go out, meet new people, start interesting activities and not feel tied to an unhappy home life.

- Once children have left home many couples come to realise that they have been so immersed in earning money, raising their family and keeping everything afloat that they have lost both their individual identity and their sense of being part of a couple. Over time they may have grown apart, become disenchanted with each other, perhaps not even like each other any more. Fundamental changes may have occurred in attitude, outlook or values that have been ignored or largely glossed over by the need to keep family and home together. Once that requirement ends there may be nothing left holding the marriage together.

- At one time there was only one breadwinner in many families. It was customary for a woman to stop working once she married or at least once she had children. The family finances rested mainly with the husband so there was little flexibility in the family budget for a couple to split. It was, in the main, financially impossible for a couple to separate their assets and set up two separate homes. These days men and women have equal opportunity to work and be self-sufficient, often throughout their marriage. A woman is not as tied financially to her man, which frees both parties in a divorce to become more independent and build a new home after they split.

As people live longer, healthier lives there is the potential to start a new life in their later years. Duty done, family raised, at this time the suppressed hopes, dreams and desires of earlier years may well be revisited. Sometimes this may entail starting again, and sometimes on one’s own. There are plenty of years still left to live and it’s important to live them fully and well.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Futher help, advice and articles are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

So much of modern life involves stress and pressure, and indeed some stress is good. It keeps us on our toes and elevates our levels of thinking and creativity. But too much stress or no respite from it is ultimately problematic and can be dangerous to our health and well-being.

Many of us find that there are many demands made upon us, with too little time to complete all the things that we need to do each day. Whether it be work, family or personal arrangements there is often an excess of things that need to be fitted into too little time. This can cause worry, a requirement to work longer hours or feeling that there is little choice but to cut back on meals, sleeping or free time. Finding a healthy work/life balance can in itself be a cause of stress.

Let’s look at 3 ways to unwind:

- Schedule some time to do things that you enjoy and that you’re good at. Whatever your position, work is often a challenging environment. There may be targets and deadlines to meet, a requirement to justify your salary and ongoing pressure to continue to improve your performance. Stress can be alleviated by making time to do things that give you pleasure, that you are good at and where you feel satisfaction at what you’ve achieved. Whether it be a hobby, a sport or a particular talent that you take time to nurture and develop, having an area of your life where you feel good, positive and successful is a constructive way to unwind, improve your health and reduce stress.

- Mix with people who like you for yourself. Having people around who want nothing from you and accept you as you are is important. Children and animals have no qualms about rushing up to people whom they like. Having people who feel that way about you, enjoy being with you and who treat you with affection is a comfortable way to relax, unwind and reduce stress levels. When there is no requirement to think before you speak or consider how you dress, behave or present yourself you can feel at ease in simply being yourself.

- Ensure you have some regular quiet time for yourself. Personal time is important, even if you do nothing with it. Reading a book, painting a picture, having a relaxing bath are lovely ways to unwind. Simply pleasing yourself on occasion is important, whether you go for a walk in the country or just catch up on programmes you have been meaning to watch, having some indulgent ‘me’ time is important. It may be possible to give yourself a break, park your car for ten minutes and enjoy a relaxing piece of music. Plan to incorporate some quiet ‘me’ time into your day or week and make an important commitment to yourself.

Look at the different areas of your life and find ways to support yourself and your health by adding a break, fun or positive interests. By doing this you regain some control over the way you spend your time, learn to unwind and as a consequence, reduce stress.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Facing an angry person can be both a scary and intimidating prospect. You may feel angry at their anger, or bemused by their reaction. How to deal with this kind of situation can be a dilemma. You may well feel that you want to have your say and respond to them but inflaming the situation and making matters worse is an important consideration.

Let’s look at ways of dealing with someone who is angry with you:

- Be firm. Say that you want to sort out the situation but need for them to calm down first. Refuse to continue the discussion and insist on your right to be treated with respect. Explain that nothing is going to be resolved whilst they are reacting so aggressively.

- Ask them to itemize their individual issues. Someone I knew had to deal with face to face customers complaints. He used to let them rant angrily for a while and then he’d get out a notepad and ask them to list their individual grievances. He often found that as they calmed down many of their original complaints virtually disappeared. They just needed someone to listen to them, after which they relaxed their anger and indignation.

- Consider involving a mediator. Sometimes a respected third-party can bring a calming influence into an angry situation. They can assess the facts, discover which are negotiable, which are sticking points, what each person will settle for as an outcome. Then they can help find ways to compromise and work towards that goal.

- Avoid insults or aggressive behaviour in response. It often exacerbates the situation and can cause matters to get out of hand, even violent. Responding angrily to an angry person gives them little choice but to retaliate. They are already out of control and your anger will merely inflame the situation.

- Decide what you want as an outcome from the situation. Will you ever need to see this person again, is this a one-off situation or something that happens fairly often. How you want to be perceived afterwards. All these are important considerations when you are dealing with someone who is angry with you. Can you simply walk away or does it need to be dealt with?

- Keep the dispute on point. It can inflame an already angry situation if you try to justify yourself by using examples, explanations and excuses. This can result in other occasions and situations being added into the mix. Keep on track and aim to contain and resolve the present situation.

- Apologize. Sometimes it is important to apologize in order to introduce some calm into an angry situation. You can limit your apology and say that you’re sorry at their reaction or for causing upset. When they are calmer you can then say firmly that you feel it is important to discuss what happened.

- Try to stay in a public place. It provides a safer environment as people usually restrain themselves when other people are around. Sometimes couples choose to discuss difficult issues away from home as it keeps the conversation civil and more focussed. If you do this it is important to limit alcohol consumption as drinking can heighten emotions and make matters worse.

Anger is often a way of communicating hurt, distress, feeling badly treated. Finding constructive ways to deal with negative reactions from others is important. Learning the relevant skills can lead to more positive ways of communicating and managing the times when you’re faced with someone who is angry with you.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Whilst a woman may envy the friend who receives lavish, expensive gifts off her partner the truth is, it is often the little gestures that give the most pleasure. The small day-to-day actions that demonstrate our husband loves us and is thinking of us are often the ones that really count in making us feel loved, secure and valued in our relationship.

Here are some little ways to show your wife you love her:

- Touch her gently as you walk past. Those almost unconscious gestures are indicative of a warm, close, intimate relationship. When a couple become distant from each other their need for personal space increases too. Standing close or automatically touching are actions that reveal a comfortable intimacy.

- Send a text for no particular reason; just texting a kiss or a ‘thinking of you’ are little ways to make her smile and feel remembered, loved and secure.

- Choose to spend time with her. It’s good for a couple to maintain some separate interests and friends, but show her that spending time with her is also important, fun and something that you are keen and enthusiastic about doing.

- Remind her when her favourite programme is due on, or tape it if it looks like she’s going to miss it.

- Run her a bath when she comes home from a tiring day.

- Remember to pick up a book, magazine or some music that she’s expressed an interest in.

- If you see an advert or a flyer for a talk or something that would appeal to her make a note of the details and pass them on.

- Suggest she has a meal or a night out with her friends. Pay for it or offer to drive.

- Be generous about complimenting her, especially when you are out in company. Show how proud you are of her and ensure she feels appreciated, special and loved.

- Make an effort to look clean, tidy and smart when you go out together. A man will often comment about the length of time his wife takes to get ready, and yet he is pleased to be seen with an attractive, well-groomed lady. Return the compliment, freshen up and dress smartly when you go out together. Making an effort is especially important when a couple have been together a while. It lets them know that they are not taken for granted.

- If she has her friends round for a girly evening go out and let them have some private time together.

- Take the children to the park for a couple of hours to give her some peace and quiet.

- Wash her car, tidy the garden, change the broken light bulb without being asked. These little gestures demonstrate an interest in being supportive both to her and the home.

- Cuddle her, hug her and be loving without it automatically having to lead to sex. Many women say that at times they are afraid to demonstrate affection to their husbands because it can lead to an automatic expectation of sex. Show that you can be affectionate and loving by being happy to cuddle and hug.

As we get to know someone well we become aware of the little things that will make a difference to them, that will enhance and improve their quality of life. These gestures often cost very little in monetary terms but make a big investment in the relationship. By being thoughtful in this way we show someone we love them.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available.

http://www.lifestyletherapy.net