Human beings need to exert ourselves both mentally and physically. As a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist I find that many of my clients have jobs where they either work very hard physically and their bodies are exhausted at the end of the day, or they have to concentrate and be very engaged intellectually in their work environment and end up mentally fatigued. Both situations need something to complement their daytime occupation. So, even though an office worker may not feel like it, going to the gym or having a walk or a game of tennis would be a really effective way to boost their energy levels. And the physical or manual worker would benefit from reading a good book or playing a challenging mental game.

Effective ways of managing stress are about finding a balance in life. Doing something completely different that is enough of a challenge to be stretched, but is satisfying at the same time. Something creative may be an option. Writing, music, painting, gardening, handiwork are all potential outlets.

It is also important to ensure that your home is a comfortable safe retreat, a pleasant sanctuary to return to at the end of the day. Lighting is important as a mood setter and can provide a soothing, calming environment. Lamps are often better than direct overhead light. Some people enjoy using candles, comfortable cushions, attractive prints or paintings, music, perfumes. If it is not possible to make the whole house a stress free zone then ensure that you have an area for yourself, like your bedroom. Try to keep it free from clutter, even if you have to use screens to separate a work station from the bedroom section.

Plan a treat from time to time. A picnic, a country walk, a leisurely bath, even an afternnon with a good book, are all inexpensive ways of having some ‘me’ time. If you are at home put the answerphone on occasionally to give yourself a break.

A detox day is a good way of clearing toxins out of the body and is a healthy way of getting back on track, especially if you have been feeling jaded or over tired for a while. If you plan to fast, then see your doctor first to check that it is okay.

Book a massage or a girls night in for pampering. Facials, manicures, pedicures and just gossip and snacks can be a great way of recharging the batteries with good company and friends. Men too are appreciating the value of a regular massage or de-stressing treatment as a way of maintaining and supporting good mental and physical health.

Arrange a sleepover at a friends house for the children occasionally. Even if there is no specific reason for doing so, it is good to sometimes have a break. Return the compliment from time to time.

Keep a Happy Book where you regularly write down the good things that have happened in your life. This is an excellent way of training the mind to really notice and appreciate the little things that regularly happen to us, like a kindness from a stranger. Cut things out of magazines, or keep a flier from a show or a stone or a leaf from a walk. Build up a bank of cheerful memories, experiences and articles that can be tapped into and treasured regularly, but also referred to on tough days.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

Youth can get away with being hot-headed, making rash decisions and having questionable taste in fashion, and often older people enjoy seeing this behaviour. It reminds them of their own youth and it is fun to live through others, vicariously, from time to time. Whilst youth does have a lot of energy and enthusiasm, sometimes it is not directed too well and can be wasted effort at times.

I remember, years ago watching a lunchtime staff football match. Several of the young lads thought that it would be fun to ask an older man, in his mid-forties, to join them for the game. Watching from the first floor window you could see the young boys running up and down the pitch whilst the older man assessed where the ball was going next and quietly moved across to take possession. He played with less physical energy and a better mental strategy. He ran rings around the younger players.

Youth may have the energy and health, but there is often a great deal of pressure on young people to achieve. They need to establish themselves in their careers, finances, homes, relationships. The saying ‘youth is wasted on the young’ has a resonance to it as often their energy is invested in surviving and getting on in their lives.

As people get older things calm and settle down. A lot of the personal pressures may well have eased and there is also the sense of having been there, seen it, done it that adds a sense of balance to things that happen. Life experience brings with it a sophistication, a better sense of perspective and outlook. There develops the ability to establish a better sense of balance in life.

Some things need to be paid attention to as we get older to ensure a positive quality of life:
- nurture your important relationships, so that when the children leave home you still have an important viable relationship with your partner and have kept your friends.
- find a balance between working to maintain your own standards and not giving in, as opposed to still acting like a person in their teens or twenties.
- remember manners are a two-way exchange. Being polite and respectful to younger people is important, just as they should be polite in return.
- listen to your body. Be aware if you feel fatigued. Give time for healing and recuperation.
- update your image. Look at fashion magazines, take advice from consultants about your look, hair, make up, clothes. It is important for personal confidence levels to stay looking smart, sexy, attractive.
- do things that make you feel worthwhile. If financial pressures have eased then it may be time to enjoy hobbies or voluntary work. Some people enjoy being hands on grandparents. Start as you mean to go on and set out the ground rules so that you are able to feel in control of what you are commiting to and so leave enough time for the freedom and variety of doing other things.
- exercise is important for good health. Many local authorities have exercise classes for older people, from walking groups, to swimming and Pilates classes.
- make sure you are eating properly. Food is an important part of health care and maintenance, so plan interesting meals. Maybe reorganise your mealtimes to suit yourself better, many older people prefer to eat their main meal at midday and do not enjoy eating a larger meal at night. Plan to include a good variety of healthy fruit, vegetables and proteins as an investment in your health.

Susan Leigh,
Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

The older generation, todays grandparents, are now fitter and more active than ever before and so often will have the time, energy and means to be able to step in and fill the gaps for the family. They are often more settled and so have the time and patience to be able to contribute and help.

An important advantage is that grandparents are able to provide a link with the past. They enable us to appreciate and understand our own history and traditions, where things originate from and why. These memories give us an insight into the emotional world of our family, where certain traits and attitudes come from, and so help us to understand our parents, as well as certain aspects of ourselves. These behaviours are called inter-generational learnings and are not genetic characteristics but are the attitudes and mannerisms that are often noticable in members of the same family.

In spite of all the help and support that we may well need, certain things have to be considered when bringing grandparents into the mix.
- In most families there are often two sets of grandparents, maternal and paternal. Often after a divorce there can be inequalities as to how the grandparents continue to meet and mix with the new family dynamic. One set may well be excluded, whilst the other set comes to be relied upon more heavily. How does this compare to what went on before and is that fair on the grandparents and the children ?
- It is important to allow the people who are providing all this invaluable help to share the good times and not just the bad times, to be included in some of the fun and happy times, not just the chores and tough times.
- Mutual respect ia a vital component to a successful relationship. This means that any disagreements occur in private and not in front of the children. Times when help is needed are booked in advance out of respect for each others time and personal commitments. Matters like discipline are agreed in advance – over things like food, bedtime, TV.
- Appreciation is important. Be thankful for the help that is given. It is a big help having laundry, cleaning, time, money provided as well as the time and reassurance in knowing that the children are being looked after by someone who cares for them. Demonstrate how much it matters and how you value it.

Grandparents can have the luxury of a second chance with their grandchildren. They often value being able to do things how they would have liked to have done them the first time around. And this time they are not as pressurised with career and other factors. They are often not as stressed and do not have the same external distractions and concerns. They can be more paced and calmer about things that might upset or distress a younger, less experienced person.

The truth is, older people and children often get on very well. So, if there is no real grandparent living nearby why not ‘adopt’ one into the family. Many families have token aunts and uncles. A token grandparent would be a valuable addition also and provide great benefit to the older person as well as to their new family.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

There can be several reasons as to why we laugh. We may be amused, find something funny, or there may be less pleasant reasons. We may be embarrassed, uneasy, unsure of ourselves or of the situation that we find ourselves in. Some people laugh to feel superior, or at someone elses’ expense.

As a Counsellor, I feel that laughter can have several facets to it. On the one hand, humour and laughter can be a vicious weapon to be on the receiving end of. And in truth, jokes often have someone or something as the object of fun. They can be a way of ridiculing or bullying someone, and as such are very cruel.

On the other hand, laughter can be wonderful as a shared experience. Something that people do together, a shared intimacy. Enjoying an experience or a joke together can remove tension and enable a situation to be seen from a completely different perspective. This shared sense of fun and laughter is often the first thing to be lost when a relationship is struggling or in a difficult phase.

Laughter can improve the perspective on an existing matter or can help to change old learnings and behaviour patterns as we start to see them from a different viewpoint and begin to entertain other options and ways of feeling about things.

My ex-partner was brilliant at using laughter in a positive way. If I was ever tense or irritable he would look at me in a certain way and we would both dissolve into fits of giggles, everything else completely forgotten. When laughter is used with empathy about how the other person is feeling, with affection, love and understanding then everyone feels safe and it is able to be used as a powerful tool for healing and benefiting a situation.

Laughter is a powerful means of changing the perspective on a situation. Looking at something with a different pair of eyes, feeling less tense, taking it less personally, is an important change of attitude. Laughter can defuse tension, break the ice, release negative emotions and allow everyone to relax and be less wary or on edge. And it is contagious. One person starts to laugh and everyone else will usually smile and relax too.

Learning to laugh at ourselves is a big step towards healing our own insecurities and confidence issues. When we can see how we are behaving and reacting in a situation and are then able to laugh at it, we automatically become less serious and tense about ourselves and how we present our image to others. We become warmer and more relaxed, and this improvement often has a positive impact on our relationships with others.

Some cultures and companies schedule group laughter sessions for all employees in the morning before work. They have found that even false laughter stimulates a feel good attitude within their staff. Their general mood improves and people feel more upbeat and pleasant about the day ahead.

The important thing to remember about laughter is to retain a sense of balance where it is concerned. Excessive clowning is irritating and counter-productive. People may well begin to wonder what the joker is hiding. Some people may use humour to hide their own insecurities or issues about low confidence levels and self-esteem.

It is important to be true to yourself and, if needs be, be okay at being the quiet person in the group. Let others have centre stage if it suits them better. Enjoy being amused, entertained and being a good audience for their antics. Use laughter in a way that is right for you, in line with your own sense of humour, to promote your personal happiness and well being.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

This starts to become a problem if we find that we are constantly on red alert. One indication that this is happening is when we go for a massage and the masseur comments that we have ‘bricks’ in our shoulders or neck, they are solid and need some attention to release them. People react to stressful situations by automatically tensing their body. Think of how we construct sentences to describe how we are feeling. Many everyday expressions refer to our body as in, ’sick to the stomach’, ‘gutted’, ‘pain in the neck’,’ doing my head in’. Said often enough and with enough intensity our bodies internalise these reactions and feelings.

Over time stress symptoms build up and can affect the way we function. Humour, temper, libido, moods, irritability, concentration can all become affected by an excess of stress. This in turn interferes with the quality of sleep, home life health and well-being.

Learning to watch out for when we are starting to be adversely affected by stress is a positive step to take. It is a way of looking after ourselves and protecting our quality of life. As a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist I teach my clients about their own personal traffic light signals. The green light is good, it means that everything is in control and is being managed well. The red light is where everything is coming to a standstill, we are not functioning, everything feels too much effort, we may be unwell, or feel depressed, negative about much of our life.

The amber light is the one to use as important information. This is the one to learn to recognise in ourselves as it warns us when we need to start taking better care of ourselves because things are starting to become a problem. Everyone has their own personal amber lights. The warning signal maybe when concentration starts to drift, or sleeping patterns become more restless. It maybe that we start to lose our sense of humour or our mood becomes more irritable. Some people may go off their food, or start to comfort eat, drink or smoke. Learning to recognise your own signals is important information that it is time to take back control and intervene before things start to build up more.

Things that can help to alleviate the stress are dependant on the individual and how their life is structured.
I have had many clients with whom we have addressed their unhelpful ways of handling stress. For example, forcing themselves to keep going, working longer and longer hours, sacrificing their personal time, missing meals, taking in more and more sugar and coffee in the hope that they can stay awake and alert long enough to do their work.
The reasons behind this behaviour may go back many years. Some people feel that by saying ‘no’ to a request demonstrates that they are incompetent or not coping. Some people compare themselves unfavourably to others and feel that they always have to do more and more simply to keep pace

Whatever the reasons, counselling and hypnotherapy can help deal with these old outdated attitudes and become more appropriately assertive and confident about oneself and ones capabilities. It is then time to learn to relax and realise how calm it is possible to be. This results in becoming more assertive, more confident and being able to prioritise better, really appreciating what is important, rather than treating everything as equally urgent.

Some useful skills to incorporate are:
- Learn to delegate or share tasks, jobs and chores. Delegating at work enables others to learn new skills and feel valued and appreciated. Sharing jobs and responsibilities at home helps others feel that the running of the home is a team commitment.
- Schedule in exercise. This is an important and healthy way of having some ‘me’ time. Whether you go to the gym or have a swim on your own, or choose to go for a walk with your partner or family, either way the message to yourself is that you are doing something good for you.
- Take regular breaks for meals or even to just go outside for a five minute breather. Studies have regularly proven that people who take regular breaks perform better than those who keep working non-stop.
- Plan fun in advance to ensure that it happens. Get on the mailing list for concerts or the theatre and then choose some events and book ahead. Organise a regular meal with friends and rotate whose house each time.

Look after yourself, plan your life and take back control and these ‘lights’ will stay away from the red zone.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

- Sometimes a man looks at his life as he reaches middle age and feels that he has done his duty for long enough, earning money, being a supportive partner, father. He may start to question, is this it, is this the sum total of what my life has been about ? This is usually referred to as a mid-life crisis. Some men will go and buy a sports car or a motor bike. Some men will suddenly feel the need for an attractive younger girlfriend. In these situations it can be possible to stop, talk it through and discover ways to schedule exciting fun time together. Do you need to make more time for intimacy ? Would it be possible to plan some really interesting adventures together, plan trips to interesting locations or maybe start some venture together that requires energy and enthusiasm ?

- If a person is looking to end a relationship but does not like to be on their own, or is afraid that they may not find someone else, then they may well wait until they have a new relationship on the go before leaving their existing relationship. They may not stay long with the new partner, but feel the need to have someone in their life who will support them through the breakup and encourage them at this time.

- Sometimes a person will have an affair in the hope that their partner will find out. They use this means to highlight that all is not well in their life because they do not know how to deal with problems verbally and will avoid discussing issues until they are forced out into the open. This type of affair is not about the sex, as is often the case with affairs. The reasons are deeper than that. This type of affair is about forcing problem areas in the relationship out into the open in an extreme and distressing way.

- Much is made in the media of the sex addict, the person, usually male, who feels manly by bedding as many conquests as possible. They enjoy the thrill seeking and attention that they receive as they constantly go from one partner to another. These people are often charismatic, and often do not want to change their behaviour.

- Some people are scared of becoming vulnerable if they become seriously involved in one relationship, or if their partner starts discussing the next level of commitment to each other. This development can make them feel uneasy or in danger of losing their identity. They need to appreciate that a close relationship can bring them security and support rather than the superficial sex of an assortment of different partners.

Relationship Counselling can help in breaking through many of these attitudes and behaviour patterns. It can help people who are wanting to understand their behaviour and help them to repair the damage. It is important for both parties to talk things through and take it slowly. Both partners will have their own questions, hurts, issues and reasons that need to be discussed, explored and understood.

Sometimes having separate space is important, though I often advise my clients to try to continue living under the same roof, even if they sleep separately, as this minimises outside influences and allows each person to decide what is best for them in their own way. Often each person has to accept some responsibility for things going wrong. Maybe they were inattentive to each other, unavailable physically or emotionally, disinterested, wrapped up with other things. Couples Counselling can help each person to take responsibility, identify what went wrong, decide what they want and ultimately get on track with respect and regard, either with or without each other.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

Botox and facial fillers are now so much regarded as a normal part of the beauty regimen that botox parties are common place, where several ladies meet up and the beauty therapist calls and treats them all. In fact botox is often referred to as ‘mother’s little helper’.

With so much emphasis upon appearance, it is no surprise that people in vulnerable groups feel under increasing pressure to look good. Young people, boys as well as girls, often struggle with their opinion of their bodies, boys wanting to bulk up and be more muscular, girls often wanting bigger breasts.

Older people too are feeling under pressure to fight aging, and keep themselves young looking if they want to continue to be successful and viable. Whilst it is important to look after oneself, to make an effort to be smart and attractive, it is also important to find a balance in life too. People are now beginning to acknowledge that it is important for a face to have character, that we are all different, that everyone does not have the same look, that the differences are attractive and interesting.

Becoming fixated on appearance and feeling that that is the most important aspect of who we are, leads to an endless cycle of self criticism and despair. There will always be something that is perceived as being in need of changing and improving. This can become almost a form of body dysmorphic disorder, where an aspect of the body is felt to be wrong and that things in life will not be fine until that part is sorted out, or, in extreme cases, removed.

Many reputable cosmetic surgery clinics now counsel their clients prior to surgery. It is a big step to take and there is a growing sense of the importance of being aware and responsible about the mental state of their clients. No amount of surgery will change what is on the inside and if a person has low self esteem then it is important to address that issue first.

So let us look at things to consider before taking the cosmetic surgery route:
- Clarify the reasons for wanting surgery. Feeling imperfect, unattractive, I am not enough, are all issues that need to be dealt with through counselling first.
- Think back to when these negative feelings about your appearance started. Is there a root cause ? Are there times when things feel better or worse ? Are there ways to build on the good times and manage the bad times more effectively ?
- Remember, what is on the inside cannot be changed by surgery. You will still be the same person after the procedure.
- If there is an issue of low self esteem then it is important to attend to that first. I have counselled clients who were bullied at school for being too thin, too boyish or too tall and felt that a breast enhancement was the answer to all their insecurities. Sort out the old issues and then see how you feel.
- Other people are usually more preoccupied with themselves and how they look. They are usually not too concerned with the size of someone elses’ breasts or other body parts.
- Think of other ways to improve your body image first. Cosmetic surgery is a major invasive procedure. So try exercise, better diet, ways to manage stress, better sleeping habits, stop smoking and excessive drinking. Some people find that they feel much more positive after an image overhaul where they update hairstyle, clothes, makeup.

All these are ways that can help a person to feel more in control of their body, looks, habits, and so improve self esteem and self confidence. Then is a much better time to decide about having a cosmetic surgery procedure.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net