An Abusive Relationship Can Creep Up on You
Imagine you went on a first date with someone who was sarcastic, nasty, disparaging towards you. It's hard to believe that you’d agree to a second date. Yet an abusive relationship can creep up and have us gradually accepting that behaviour, justifying it, perhaps even doubting our own sanity or feeling that we’re in some way responsible for it happening.
The abuser often couches their behaviour subtly; they may claim they’re worried about us, are trying to help us improve, are encouraging us to remedy a perceived failing or flaw.
It is often sexual abuse that gains the most media coverage, but abuse also covers physical, emotional, financial and mental cruelty and can be experienced by people of any gender, age or strata of society. It's important to be aware if escalating patterns of unacceptable, sustained bad treatment start to appear.
- Gaslighting and mental abuse is often about control. The abuser may be insecure, afraid of losing you, fearful that you'll find someone better, so they try to hold onto the relationship by increasingly eroding your confidence, checking where you're going, what you're doing, how you're spending your money, criticising how you dress.
Often an abuser will subtly make you doubt yourself, your sanity, thus becoming unable to cope on your own and becoming increasingly dependent on them. They may discourage you from working; they earn enough, why not take a break and get ‘better’, enjoy time off, before you start doing something else? It can be a seductive, attractive process where you initially feel cared for, loved, supported but gradually lose your confidence, financial independence, career, friends and even family.
- Emotionally you may feel that there’s a cosy 'us against the world' scenario where you're assured that ‘we’ are all we have/need/want. At first, it feels loving and secure, safe in the bubble of warmth and protection. But gradually you'll start to spend less time with friends and family, especially if it becomes an increasing hassle to make arrangements, other people are regarded as a bad influence or are accused of being unfriendly and interfering.
Over time it becomes harder to make plans to see 'outsiders'. You may find that when you try to make plans they often clash with 'special' or 'important' functions you're required to attend, or there’s an insistence about taking and collecting you, where they inevitably return earlier than agreed. You justify the behaviour as friendly, sociable, helpful, but combined with negative remarks about your clothes, hair, makeup you may gradually start to lose confidence in yourself.
Some abusers become so controlling that they methodically check every financial transaction and request for money, query every call or text on the itemised phone bill, do daily mileage checks on your car, telephone or return home at unexpected times to see what you're doing. If you try to challenge their behaviour, they’ll justify themselves logically and reasonably, even making you feel guilty, apologetic at having questioned their motives.
- Physical abuse often starts with a tap, a push, an angry slap. Sometimes alcohol is involved. The perpetrator is often contrite afterwards, promising never to repeat their behaviour. It's important to be firm, discuss what's happened and insist that thy seek help, perhaps to specifically deal with anger or alcohol-related issues. Keep a diary of abusive behaviour, try to save money in a secret account and have a safe place where you know you can escape if afraid.
- Sexual abuse can involve gradual but increasing degradation; the pressure to do things, engage in practices you find off-putting, unpleasant, painful or humiliating. You may be accused of being frigid, a prude, old-fashioned but whilst it can be fun to experiment and explore sex together it should be about feeling comfortable and moving at a pace that’s suitable for both.
Start as you mean to go on is an important message for new relationships. Keep regular channels of communication open and be sure to discuss areas you’re unhappy about. Be firm and refuse to be bullied into doing things you don't want to do. You're allowed to change your mind even if you've gone along with things previously.
If you're beginning to feel uneasy in your relationship, find an ally, a friend, a therapist with whom you can confidentially discuss matters. It may be that you're feeling vulnerable, or past experiences have made you ultra-cautious. Even so, you're entitled to consideration and respect, to have your concerns listened to. Is there a place you could go to de-stress, take a break and give you both time to reflect on issues in the relationship? Might you benefit from outside help from a counsellor, a mediator, priest, family friend?
Take time to explore what the triggers are, what happens to spark off the abusive behaviour. Look for help for either or both of you to deal with those issues. It's important to protect yourself and your self-esteem, and, perhaps help your abuser too.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist www.lifestyletherapy.net