Do You Feel Guilty Over Little Things?
Do you find that it’s often the minor irritations that stay with you the longest; the missing ‘thank you’ when you’ve brought someone a coffee or held open the door, the unreturned text or phone call, the meetup cancelled at short notice for no apparent reason, the unacknowledged letting someone out in traffic.
But equally we may in turn feel guilty about our own reactions to trivial, everyday things, an experience usually stemming from a desire to be liked. We’re keen to empathise with others and don’t wish to inconvenience them.
What are the most common "small" things that you may find yourself unnecessarily agonising over?
Having to cancel or Reschedule Plans. Worrying that you've ruined someone’s day by pulling out of a dinner or coffee date, especially at short notice, even when there’s a valid reason.
Not Replying Immediately. Feeling guilty when you discover unread emails, texts and WhatsApp messages on your devices or not keeping in touch when you said you would.
Awkward or Clumsy Interactions. Replaying a brief, somewhat embarrassing conversation and second-guessing how it’s been interpreted, or worrying about an awkward wave, or not acknowledging a greeting and concerned that you may have appeared churlish. Or reflecting that you’ve appeared quick-tempered, gauche or unsophisticated to a waiter or sales assistant.
Saying "No" Appropriately. Turning down a request to do a favour or an extra task at work but then feeling guilty, that you’ve let people down, especially if you reflect on ways you could have helped them out. This can happen even when you’re genuinely unavailable.
Prioritizing Yourself. Replaying the consequences of changing your mind or turning down an invite because you’re tired, stressed or simply need a quiet night in, even though you’re usually available, and the request is not especially crucial. Then feeling guilty if it’s a small event and you’re more likely to be missed.
Giving Yourself a Treat. Feeling selfish or undeserving when making a small impulse purchase or topping up a favorite item. Questioning if it’s okay.
Taking "Me Time". Pondering if you’re being lazy, with a twinge of guilt about relaxing or enjoying a treat that’s not deemed "productive". So many ‘I should/ought/must’ moments can present themselves as worthier than taking a break or having fun for yourself.
Leaving the Shop Empty-Handed. Walking out of a store without buying anything after a staff member has bent over backwards to help you. Do you feel bad that you’ve wasted their time?
Awkward Farewells. Unthinkingly saying "you too" when a waiter tells you to enjoy your meal or feeling awkward at ending a phone call. Should I have waited for a sign from them, did I cut them off too soon? Then feeling guilty at not knowing how to behave or being unaware of social niceties.
Agonising over situations that are inconsequential or which we can’t control can be a prompt for us to address the different areas of our lives. Could now be time to pause, assess how much stress we’re experiencing and check if we’re just existing and living on autopilot. Are we under a lot of pressure, do we feel that we’re the only one capable of doing a satisfactory job, are we living under a plethora of self-inflicted rules and regulations?
Here are some positive ways to introduce a calmer approach:
Resist the temptation to be guilty or apologetic about being you. Instead, reflect on your qualities, experiences, and uniqueness. You’ve come a long way so feel good and let everyone benefit.
You’re not responsible for other people’s lives. Let them make their own choices, decisions and opinions, whether those are good or bad. Their life path is different from yours.
Are you judging yourself more severely than you would anyone else? Question if you would be as harsh with a close friend or family member over something relatively minor. If the answer is no, you’re likely to be holding yourself to an impossible standard.
Why are you so self-critical? Were you raised in a strict or disciplined environment? If so, your confidence and self-belief may have been severely undermined.
Learn from experiences and move on. If you’re feeling guilty over something tangible (like a missed phone call), think it through and then use this as a reason to grow and improve rather punish yourself.
Introduce ways to pause, walk away, and have a ‘cigarette break'. Breathe, find something to distract yourself, so breaking the negative cycle. Let go of unhelpful thoughts and self-talk.
Use strategies to say "no" without feeling guilty. Some phrases introduce a gentle refusal that ‘buys’ you extra time. Saying; ‘leave it with me’, ‘I’ll have to check my diary and get back to you’, ‘now is not a good time for me’, are all positive ways to ease any pressure to deliver.
Feeling guilty about little things often occurs when we’re overtired, stressed or especially vulnerable. Do any of those situations apply to you? If so, try to take a break, go for a walk in nature, people-watch over a coffee, enjoy a relaxing bath or time with a good book. When we introduce regular breaks and quality self-care, we’re able to cope more effectively with minor setbacks. It’s then that our overall approach to life gradually improves.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist www.lifestyletherapy.net